I used to have a lot of information about me here.
But you know, in the end, it doesn't matter. This site isn't about
me and never was. Let me give you a little background and maybe that
will help.The site was started as a free
site on Tripod back in 1998. I originally had a really cheesy site
filled with bad vampire graphics and very little style. I didn't
know anything about web design and it was my first real foray into
the web in any formal way. I had been borrowing time on a friend's
computer a few hours at a time since around 1994, but I'd never had
my own computer and certainly not my own website. Back in '98, it
was still hundreds of dollars to have a domain name; something
reserved for businesses. Free webhosts were the norm and back then,
having your own web presence was quite amazing in general.
Around the same time I started what would later
evolve into "DrinkDeeplyandDream.com" I also had another online
screen name "Serpents_Tail" It was just another persona if you will;
another way to be creative and experiment with design, writings and
expression online. It was never meant to be some huge secret that I
had two screen names, but many people took it that way (and still
do, ten years later which I've never understood.) It was a lot of
experimentation in a new format and ways of being creative in a new
way more than anything.
Within about a year, the original site morphed
from what was originally called "Memory_and_Dream" into the early
forms of Drink Deeply and Dream. It was the site that was
originally called by what later became my infamous online nick. "Memory_and_Dream"
originated as a title of a book by Charles de Lint and seemed to
capture a mood I was going for. The original tagline of the site was
"...in the breath between memory and dream you will find me..."
A little melodramatic perhaps, but I was around 21 and this was all
a new thing for me. Back then, I originally went for the more
mysterious aspect and tried to present a persona which fit the part.
The thing to remember throughout all of this is
that the site was never about me personally. I met someone who
introduced me to the entire concept of "real vampires" and over
months, I learned all about the realities of it and the truths and
got to experience any number of things which let me have intimate
knowledge about the subject - even if it wasn't something I'd ever
experienced or known about prior to this point. See, when I
originally wrote the articles for the site, I did so from a
first-person perspective for a number of reasons. First, because
it's really easier to write about something that way when you're
discussing an educational topic. Secondly, because despite the fact
that the site wasn't based on my personal origins, I had seen
and done and learned all about the topic first hand and could relate
it to the world from that perspective. And third, because again, I
originally started this site as a persona; a character. She was
based on me, but parts of me and parts of someone - and something -
else. She was a role I'd assume online and she spoke with a certain
tone and voice that was more formal and poetic than I was in the
day-to-day. (And this is again similar to other personas and screen
names I've used over the years that represent different aspects of
me or allowed me to explore roles I otherwise would never have been
able to undertake.) This isn't to say that the information is in any
way fake or untrue. Because it really is honest and
factual. It's just like a documentary where the names have been
changed to protect the innocent. "MemoryandDream" became my way of
expressing truths of those around me and those I knew without it
being their name and their private story.
And again, this wasn't something I necessarily
kept secret. I just let people assume what they would. After all, I
did write the site from first-person and I let people believe that
meant I was, specifically, a sang myself. Which would often cause
confusion on the part of people who'd see my other screen names or
my other writings. They'd ask why I claimed to be so many different
things. I admit, I found it easier just to let people believe what
they wanted, namely because I never wanted people to think that by
being the storyteller of this knowledge, that it made it any less
true. I never wanted people to doubt themselves or their feelings or
their belief by doubting me. I wonder if the distinction can be
understood and the motivation for everyone else to continue to count
on the site as a source of knowledge, sanity and hope can be
appreciated.
DrinkDeeplyandDream was never about me. It was
never for me. It was made for others so that they might get
some sanity out of the insane, and some place to go that was safe. I
dedicated years into the site. Creating forums, writing lengthy
email replies to people seeking help, discussing topics with those
who were scared or confused and generally trying to be a source of
support and knowledge for anyone wanting to learn. Several close
friends and namely those who've assisted me over the years with
responsibilities such as moderating forums, have always known that
the site wasn't specifically about me, but rather, my retelling of
other close relations' lives. To put it another way, I always openly
told my moderators and admins that I wasn't personally a sang and to
the last, they all not only understood, but they even more
appreciated how much work I put into a site that I didn't receive
any personal benefit from; that was created solely to help others.
The domain moved a few times, mirrored on another
free host at one point and then was hosted on a domain name that
later was let to expire and was taken over by a adult sex site. We
gained our own domain name - DrinkDeeplyandDream.com - back in 2001.
In 2005, after losing years of data on our ezboard forum, we also
moved the message board to the domain and have been here ever since.
A number of years ago, I went through all the
articles on the site and changed them from first person, to third.
Meaning I took out the "I" from the information. I wanted the
information to go back to being general knowledge and not presented
as personally. Since that time, I've also taken to writing forum and
email replies in the same manner, taking myself out of the equation.
After so many years writing about something that wasn't me I
really started to get burnt out. I got tired of being attacked for
the site; tired of being always seen as the crazy chick from that
crazy site; tired that everything I did online was connected back
here, to Drink Deeply and Dream. When I started the site, I never
in a million years expected it to become so large, so prevalent nor
so long-standing. It was created on a bit of a whim in the spirit of
sharing information to a vast new world; to share knowledge in a new
medium in a new way. It wasn't supposed to turn into a gargantuan
resource referenced in books and used as source material in
documentaries. I got so tired of being only "MemoryandDream"
and never being able to escape the legacy of this site. People only
see me as her and never as me. And that gets to be a
very tiring burden to carry after ten years.
The last few years, my attention span for the site
has admittedly waned. I've really stopped responding to emails and
barely keep up with maintaining the message boards. Every year I
think this is the year I just don't renew the site; this
is the year I get away from it all. I long ago withdrew
completely from other sites and message boards on the subject; long
ago stopped promoting the site; and long ago stopped getting
involved in any aspect outside of my own little corner of the
vampire-based world. I've gone on to create my own small business,
registered on forums that represent my real interests to
discuss things that I personally care about. I've started
doing video blogs and stretched out into areas that don't have
anything to do with this site. And you know what? It feels great.
Until, inevitably, people who have nothing better to do stalk me
down and try to force their hatred and ignorance on me in those
other places on the web. I'm 30 now (will be 31 in May of 2008) and
I'm tired of the games, the drama and the bullshit I get
because I own this site. I just want to be left alone and for people
to realize I'm not my website. I don't want to be
interviewed, I don't want to be harassed, I don't want to be
exclusively associated with something I made ten years ago for
everyone else.
It's hard to walk away from something like this
though. It's probably the largest thing I've ever contributed to the
world - for better or worse. I just find myself questioning whether
or not it's still relevant; whether or not it still does any amount
of good. The web feels so jaded these days and there's so many
people who hate me for this site, that I often wonder why I should
still bother. I want to pack up and let it go quietly into that dark
night and let someone else carry the burden from now on. But things
become habit and ten years is a long time to do something and face
leaving it behind.
So, this is where we come back to the present. And
here is where we are now. Where I tell you once and for all that
yes, it's true. This site was never about me. It was always for
you, the seeker. That I'm tired of being that person and that
I'm tired of never being able to escape what I've made. I can't say
for certain what I'll do come May of this year when the domain comes
up once again for renewal. I may or may not let it keep going, but a
large part of me feels that if I don't eventually walk away, I'll
never be able to be anyone but the owner of DrinkDeeplyandDream. No
matter what else I do or try or accomplish, it's always under the
shadow of this site. But I thought, once and for all, instead of
just rattling off boring stats about myself, I'd give you the full
story of both myself and this site. I've wanted to say all of this
in some form or another for years, but it's hard to express without
people misconstruing your words into something else. Again, I want
to stress that just because the site isn't about me as a
person, nothing here was ever less than factual. This has always
been my biggest fear with such a "confession" - I didn't want the
years of support, knowledge and information exchange to be tainted
by doubt. Above all else, if this site has accomplished anything,
it's always been my hope that it's managed to help someone,
somewhere along the way. At least then, it would be worth the
aggravation, frustration and pain I've dealt with all these years.
I welcome comments and thoughts on the subject,
though if you have nothing constructive or at least polite to say,
save us both the waste of time and just keep your nasty thoughts to
yourself. You can email me at webmaster[at]drinkdeeplyanddream.com
