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An Interview with
MemoryandDream, October 2005
1) Memory, you
are 28 years old now. A) How old were you when you first realized
that you craved blood? B) How long after this realization did you
taste blood for the first time?
The norm seems to be that in the latter stages of puberty, it starts
to show up. You often see people around 17/18 who begin to
experience the first signs of what we call, "Awakening" (i.e. the
period in which you come to the realization of your nature.) I was a
little later then most. I was more like 22ish or so when it first
made itself noticed. It started with re-occurring dreams; very vivid
and emotionally powerful dreams. It was around that time that I also
met my Love who was able to help me through the rough stages and
who, himself, had similar personal experiences. He was also my first
shared experience in the realm of blood/energy and that really
helped ease what is normally a painful, confusing and traumatic
period. Because honestly, you can't help but think you might be
going crazy when it all starts to come into your awareness and make
itself known.
2) Before you
"became" a vampire, were you attracted to the mainstream, Hollywood
notions of vampires?
Just to clarify, it's not so much "becoming" as it is that it
comes to the surface. It's like a pre-disposition to a medical
condition that eventually makes itself known. It's an internal
process as opposed to an external force or change. It's part
self-discovery and part physical change.
But as for your question, no. Honestly, I was never into the whole "goth"
look or scene. (I'm still not.) I was never really drawn to the
vampire fiction or mythos. I always was (and still am in fact) drawn
more towards general fantasy. I love things like faeries and I
thoroughly enjoy modern fantasy (sometimes called "urban fantasy")
much more. I've even been known to read a "high fantasy" novel or
two in my time though it's not my favorite. I'm actually a very
non-dark person. I'm not into "evil" or "darkness" or any of that
sort of thing. I do enjoy a vampire movie or novel in general though
now, mainly in an ironic sense and as a bit of fun. I think it's
kinda sad that so many kids these days (and, even sadder, many
adults) want to be so morbid and focus on being "darker then thou."
There's so much negativity in the world as it is. Why would I want
to wallow in that level of melodrama? It's like people don't know
where to draw the line anymore. When you leave the theater or put
the down the book, you need to come back to the real world. Leave
the capes and the fangs and the immortality and the dark sensuality
where it belongs and just be yourself. Too many people want to be
someone - and something - else entirely.
3) What are some of your interests?
I am an avid reader. As mentioned, I really love fiction in
general and fantasy specifically. I truly enjoy photography. I
daydream about getting a really nice digital SLR camera and taking
lessons. I think I have the eye for it but I'd like to get more
technical knowledge to back it up. Even with a point-and-shoot
digital camera, I'm often quite proud of my results. I'd like to
pursue it further. I'm also a crafty person in general. I make
jewelry for example (www.PhoenixFireDesigns.com)
and love learning new things. If I could, I'd have an art studio in
my home and learn ceramics, pottery and glass working. My Love and I
enjoy Walt Disney World. We go as often as we can. There's just
something utterly amazing about completely getting away from all the
stress of your daily life and just really letting yourself be
child-like again. It's like therapy only better and cheaper. I enjoy
working on my websites and forums (of which there are far too many)
though I continually get frustrated at my lack of coding skills.
*chuckles* I can be a perfectionist in things and it drives me crazy
when I can't figure out how to do something.
I'm really a very normal person with very normal hobbies and a very
homebody attitude. I enjoy going out when I can - theater,
galleries, art fairs, that sort of thing - but I'm also good kicking
back and watching some tv.
4) What would you say are some of the most common misconceptions
about vampires in modern culture? What do you think is the single
biggest or most dangerous misconception?
Misconceptions? Oy, where to begin! The problem is that
there's so many people who make claim to the word. So there's this
huge mixed message right from the start. You get all these people
who run around looking like escapees from the set of a B-movie vamp
film that like to go on tv and proclaim their "darkness." I just
want to slap people like that. It gives honest, down-to-earth sangs
("sang" is short for "sanguinarian" which is a term used to define a
real vampiric person that consumes blood. It's the community's
self-created term to separate it from the lifestylers and the
posers) such a bad image. It's so impossible to ever be taken
seriously when every person who goes on tv or starts a webpage is
trying to be the worst stereotype possible. There's so many of us
who'd like to explore the origins of the condition in a serious and
legitimate scientific matter. But it will never be possible so long
as the kids-in-capes crowd make such a point to be the self-elected
face of vampirism. Hell, even among the serious communities (of
which there are far too few), there's numerous theories and debates
about the nature of vampirism. Is it spiritual? Is it genetic? Is it
environmental? Is it some freak DNA mutation? These kinds of answers
are vital to ever fully learning to do more then deal with the
condition. But the climate simply isn't right for an honest
exploration of it yet.
Other misconceptions of course are that all vampiric people are just
crazy. They're so quick to point out that it must be "Renfield's
Syndrome" (named for Bram Stoker's Dracula's lackey) without having
spent a single moment actually researching what the Syndrome is.
(It's defined by very specific sexual responses and very specific
delusions of immortality and power.) Or, they want to label it as "Porphyria;"
when again, they fail to read even the most basic explanations of
the disease. (Actually, it's a catch-all term for a group of eight
separate disorders.) They make up their mind before they even read
(or hear) what you have to say. It's very frustrating. You can tell
them a million times that you're not trying to be some character out
of Anne Rice and they won't hear you. They just call you some "goth
freak" and won't consider anything else.
I think the most dangerous misconceptions though are those that we
make for ourselves. The 13 year old who mistakes her fascination or
obsession towards vampirism to be something more; or who puts
herself in dangerous situations searching for strangers online to
"make" her what she dreams to be. There are so many sick predators
out there who look for exactly this kind of desperation in children
to exploit. Or the newly-awakened vampire who buys too much into the
hype and starts believing that they're better then everyone else or
that they're invulnerable and powerful. They lose touch with their
own limitations and boundaries. The dangers of letting it rule and
control your life; believing you must be evil or dark or that you
can not simply live your life how you've always lived it. These are
the most dangerous misconceptions. The ones that take us away from
who we truly are, make us think we have to live our lives a certain
way, or that drive us to dangerous and even stupid actions.
5) I've heard modern day vampires described simply as people who, in
some way or another, "lack energy" and need to absorb it from an
external source. Would you say this is accurate? What "makes" a
vampire...genetics?
The jury is out on this one. Most people define vampirism as
a need for an additional source of nutrients in their diet in the
form of blood or energy. That's kind of a catch-all definition. Some
people believe vampirism is of a spiritual nature. That they possess
a vampiric soul or vampiric spirit if you will. Some tie this idea
into their religious beliefs as well though not all. Some who
believe this feel that their soul/spirit has been damaged in some
way which causes the need for additional energy. Though again, not
all feel this way. Some vampires believe that there is something in
their DNA - perhaps some really recessive genes or even possibly a
throwback to earlier human offshoots - that makes them physically
different. There are pros and cons to both theories and there are
personal experiences which can lend credibility to aspects of both.
Right now though, it's impossible to say for sure what causes it.
The only thing we know for sure is that there is definitely
something there. We're just not sure what it's origins are.
6) Can you describe what a craving for blood feels like? While not
an addiction, can you experience symptoms of withdrawal if you don't
consume blood similar to a junk sickness? Or is it more like the way
a pregnant woman would crave certain foods?
Having never been pregnant nor addicted to drugs, it's hard
for me to say what either is like comparatively. The best way I can
describe it is like when you haven't eaten and you get that deep
emptiness in the pit of your stomach; you feel sick and everything
makes you think of the fact you need to eat. Your entire world
narrows down to your stomach. It's the same sort of feeling only
it's not localized in your stomach. It feels more like it's from
within your core. There is pain and hurt involved in it just like
being hungry for food. It's why terms like "hunger" or "thirst" are
often used to describe it. It is a hunger, but it's just for
something other than food.
7) Are there any quick fixes for a blood craving if no blood is
available to you? Do other red liquids such as tomato juice provide
any psychosomatic relief?
The color of the food or liquid doesn't matter, though most
sangs find things that help them personally. The only instance where
there's a visual similarity is something like V8, though I believe
it's the vitamin content more then the color of the liquid. Many opt
for fresh fruits or vegetables; raw if possible. Being uncooked and
very strong still in the living energy of the food, it can often
help. For the same reason, I've heard several sangs recommend sushi.
Some people find energy drinks such as Gatorade to help though some
say that kind of beverage is worse for them. Many opt for beef -
most especially steaks - cooked rare.
Additionally, I have known some sangs who turn to things like
cigarettes or even illegal drugs though I'd never advocate either.
Sadly, it seems the hunger can make some sangs self-destructive, or
at least bring them to make choices they might not otherwise make.
If you're starving, you tend not to think too clearly - vampire or
otherwise.
8) Do you prefer blood from a certain gender or age of person or is
that irrelevant?
It's a personal preference. Many heterosexual sangs find that
they are less comfortable with a donor of the same gender. While not
sexual per se, it is still an intimate experience. Of most
importance though is the health and even diet of the donor. If they
take any kind of medication, they're not a good candidate. If they
have any illness or blood malnormality, again, it sours or "dirties"
the blood. The healthier and the cleaner the diet, the purer the
energy gained and generally, the less needed.
Though you didn't ask, I thought I'd also mention some sangs chose
to feed from other vampires. (Sometimes exclusively.) I don't
personally recommend it however. If you're low on energy as it is
(which is a defining trait of vampirism), it's detrimental to then
turn around and give that energy to another. Some find it to be
addictive in a way; more so then a normal donor. I've always thought
of it as eating candy versus eating a meal. The candy is sweet and a
rush, but it's not truly filling. At the end of the day, you still
are going to need "real" food.
9) Is it possible to absorb energy through methods that don't
involve consumption such as standing in the middle of a large crowd
or standing against a living tree?
It is possible, yes. And it's been my experience and observation
that almost every single sang will, even if just unconsciously, draw
from ambient energy around them when they are underfed. Some will
draw from people around them (co-workers, mates, family, etc.) and
even potentially to the unknowing donor's detriment. Some sangs
consider themselves half/half in their feeding; they feel they can
equally draw energy from nature or from people in addition to
feeding directly through blood. Others feel that energy feeding
(called "psy feeding") is only a stop-gap measure and that it does
not provide them the fullness and relief from hunger that blood
does. Some vampires ("psy vamps" or "psychic vampires" or sometimes
"psivamps") feed exclusively through energy and do not consume
blood. (Though some will enjoy a small amount now and then.)
When the vampire learns how to be aware of the drawing of energy
around them, they can better control it. And thus, reduce the risk
of harming someone from taking too much. Taking too much can lead to
sickness, lethargy and even depression in the person. You can also
end up drawing off of someone who doesn't have surplus energy to
lose. It can leave them in deficit and it's why I try to help sangs
learn to be more attentive to this unconscious tendency and how to
control it.
Some vampires (psy vamps generally) can be purposefully cruel and
malicious in this type of energy theft as well. They can become very
greedy and regularly (and purposefully) take everything they can as
opposed to having a willing donor or skimming off the top of ambient
energy. The majority of vampires, however, find it morally wrong to
steal energy from an unwilling victim.
10) Would you say that most vampires keep their vampirism a secret
from most people? Is there such a thing as "vampire pride" or do
most vampires believe in keeping that side of their lives hidden?
Most honest-to-goodness vampires live pretty normal lives. And thus,
they tend to keep that aspect private. The ones who go for the drama
and show are the lifestylers and dress-up-vamps who get caught up in
the world of the fictional vampire character. Within vampire support
communities, there is a little relaxation of that fear of discovery
and accordingly, a little relief to find someone to speak to. It's
why I take such an active role in ensuring my domain and forum are
kept in line. I want people to be able to be themselves and to ask
questions and to not have to be alone and afraid through it all.
There are some groups who make a point to loudly proclaim themselves
to be superior in all ways to "humans." (I put the word in quotes
because most vampires believe that they are physically human, or at
least a genetic quirk or offshoot of the human race.) These are the
kinds of people who propagate hatred and division. They view
non-vampires as "cattle" or "food" and some even advocate harm to
non-vampires. I can't stress enough how these types of people are
extremists and that they do not represent the vampire norm. We all
recognize that we are part of society; that our friends, families
and lovers are almost always non-vampiric and that ours is a
symbiotic relationship rather then a parasitic one. We are still
part of the world and society.
11) Can there be such a thing as hierarchy in the real vampire
community or does that run more along the lines of role playing?
Despite the influx of websites that claim they are "royal" or
whatever garbage terms they use, there is in fact, no such thing as
a monarchy or hierarchy to vampirism. It's like saying there is a
king of diabetes or something equally silly. Some vampires form
groups - often called "Orders" or "Houses" or "Clans" - that are
akin to other personal, political or religious affiliations. These
individual groups do not speak on behalf of all vampires though. And
while they may have levels of membership, this is not to be confused
with some sort of ruling class. Membership in these groups is not
mandatory, nor is it a birthright. Some groups form in order to
gather members who share a similar religious outlook in connection
with their vampirism, others simply want to have other people to
play dress-up with. The groups run the gamut of all types and
reasons for being.
But no, there is no inherent bloodline/royalty/nobility to
vampirism.
12) Does your
doctor/family/lover know about your vampirism?
Doctor, no. Then again, I haven't had a doctor for years.
(Lack of medical insurance.) Family, no. Lover, yes.
I'm aware that most vampires have willing donors. Few questions
about this process: Is there a system of etiquette in this
relationship.for example, can you ever ask a donor to donate blood
or must he/she always offer first? Is it appropriate for your donor
to be a donor to other vampires as well? The vampire/donor
relationship is a unique and personal one. The dynamics honestly are
going to be different with everyone you ask. Some chose to keep
their partner as their primary (or sometimes only) donor. This often
works well because lovers/mates already share their lives and are
very intimate with each other in all aspects and thus, this exchange
is not a large step. This also ensures safety because they know the
health and sexual history of the donor. Some turn to friends or
people they know and trust. Some will turn to family. Some will look
for willing donors from outside their social circle to keep it
private from their everyday lives. It's very important to have a
relationship of some sort with your donor. You need to trust them
and they need to trust you. It need not be a physical or romantic
relationship, but it's best if you get to truly know one another.
It's a very personal experience for both parties. It can be a sexual
experience for some - both vampires and donors. (Though not always.)
When the donor is not your partner/lover, it's important to keep
boundaries so the donor does not interfere in the relationship and
so that the partner does not become envious of the donor. It can be
a hard line to walk.
Most donors have a one-on-one relationship with a vampire. Because
of the potential dangers in donating too much blood too often, it's
usually best if the donor only has on vampire they donate to.
However, some vampires will arrange to have more then one donor to
help take the pressure of each of them and to allow more access and
a more steady supply of blood. Sadly, most vampires fail to find
long-term, honest and available donors. It's a commitment that many
people decide they don't want to make. They go into it thinking it
will be like the books or movies but when it turns out to be mundane
and ordinary, they lose interest.
Everyone will have a different way of working out feedings with
their donor(s). Some will plan x number of days on a schedule.
Others will simply contact the donor when the need arises. In a
situation where the partner/lover is the donor, it often becomes
part of sex or foreplay. The biggest problem is balancing your need
and the health and safety of your donor. You never want to take more
then they can give and you never want to bring them harm. After all,
they are giving of themselves for you; it's a very serious matter
and one that deserves your respect. A dependable donor is a precious
commodity.
13) What is the safest way to
procure blood and how often can a donor safely feed you? Is blood
ever procured through biting? (seems to me you would really have to
know what you are doing in that case!)
Biting is a big no. Besides the fact that it's dangerous,
it's also painful. The human mouth is a dirty place and biting can
cause needless pain, scaring and damage to the skin. Most vampires
chose to use sterile blades to make small, shallow cuts. You can
massage the cut to well up a little blood which is then usually
licked or sucked directly from the skin. You never want to suck too
hard though, and you never want to probe too hard with your tongue
or it can become painful to the donor. It's about trying to be as
precise and delicate as possible. Some few chose to use needles to
draw blood though I can't stress enough how dangerous this is! No
one should ever, ever try to do that without proper training and
certification. The best method is to sterilize the skin, sterilize
the blade and be sure to thoroughly clean and bandage the cut when
you are done.
As to how often it's safe to feed from the same donor, that depends
on how much you take from them. Generally, it is small amounts. So
it's safe to feed weekly or bi-weekly. If you were to take larger
quantities of blood, you'd want to wait for the body to replenish
itself. Red blood cells have a three-week maturity cycle. Standards
in official blood donation say that you can donate one pint every
eight weeks. Since the amount donated for a vampire is generally
more along the lines of a few tablespoons or at most, a shot glass,
you don't need to wait that long.
Other factors like health (is the donor sick? if the donor is a
female, is she on her menstrual cycle?) can certainly change that
generalization. Also, if the donor's cut isn't healing well, it's
best to give the body more time before injuring it again.
With the possibility of contracting HIV and Hepatitis B & C through
blood, do you require your donors to be tested for blood borne
diseases? Absolutely. Any vampire who doesn't do pre-requisite blood
testing is an idiot, plain and simple. This is another reason why
it's important to know your donor well and have a solid relationship
with them. You need to know if they've started having unprotected
sex for example, since becoming your donor. Or you need to know if
they've gotten any blood-born illness. You have to keep up with not
only what they tested like when you met them, but how they continue
to live their life afterwards. It's something you need to be very
safe about. And it's why any sang with a brain in their head would
avoid drinking blood of a random stranger.
Beyond illness, it's also important to ensure your donor isn't
anemic. Or doesn't take any medication that you can end up consuming
through the blood. You don't ever want to jeopardize the donor's
health either.
14) What would
you say is the single most important piece of advice you could give
to someone who has recently discovered their own vampirism?
Be safe in all things. Don't let yourself ever forget to be smart in
your feeding, be smart with your donors, be smart with your choices
in life. And don't let it change you. Don't think you can't still be
who you always have been. Don't look at it as a curse, but don't try
to make more of it then it is. Accept yourself as you are and learn
find happiness from within.
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